Author Archives: wcaplan

Jul 19 2012
6 Comments
Informative

Things I learned at the Conference

Just back from a hot time in the “Big Easy” and I mean that in the most literal way. Boy, was it hot! It’s been more than thirty years since I have lived in a humid climate and I was painfully reminded of why I left. The oppressive heat hits like a brick each and every time you walk outside while the blast of cold air as you enter the always over air-conditioned buildings sends shivers up your spine. You change your clothes multiple times each day knowing that after a few short minutes outside you will feel the need to change them again. Although you have every intention to drink in all the sights, sounds and smells of this truly amazing city, you find yourself longing for the comfort of your hotel room, a cold drink and some rest for your tired and blistered feet. And while you would think that together these harsh realities would be enough for me to find myself craving the cool, dry air of my prairie/mountain town, none of it holds a candle to the real reason for my discontent. No, the truth of it is, the most distressing part of my stay in the deep south was my inability, no matter how hard I tried, to maintain my naturally curly locks in the manner to which they and I have become accustomed. I’m afraid there is no product, no appliance, no amount of effort that would allow me to recreate the no fuss, straight bob I so enjoy when I am north of the 49th. And that, my friends, is possibly the most important thing I learned at the conference. Indulge me while I reflect on some others.

Things I learned at the conference in New Orleans:

  1. Vegan food is only meant to be eaten by vegans.
  2. When visiting Youngwood, PA drop by TGI Fridays but be on the look-out for long, pointy things. (Thanks to Annette for the tip.)
  3. Got a bookshelf to fill? Try using the colour block method of selection. Your room will look great, you can buy in bulk for less than 2 bucks each, and you may even find a good read among the bunch.
  4. Quote from a presentation: “Starbucks is more than coffee; Amazon is more than books; iTunes is more than music.” Wait, I tried the smoothie at Starbucks. Take my advice and stick with the coffee.
  5. Who would have imagined that talking to a 17-year-old kid from Flint, Michigan would be the highlight of my three days among the eLearning elite. Okay, so that’s not such a stretch after all.
  6. 1600 sorority women at your hotel, all dressed in blue and yellow, is not “a good thing”.
  7. Some of the toughest looking people are really nice and some of the nicest looking ones are not.
  8. Apparently there are still people who don’t know the difference between SWAG and chotskies so I’ll explain. SWAG is good. Chotskies, not so much.
  9. While southern hospitality is divine, my hair and I will always have a strong preference for the west coast.
  10. What’s so magical about the number 10 anyway?
  11. Even a shallow person knows that there’s no such thing as a “free drink”.

Oh, you thought I was going to talk about the sessions? Come on people! Have you not been reading this blog?

While I’m here I’d like to give a “shout-out” to designer extrodinaire Wade, for the nifty new logo.  Let me know what you think.

 

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Jul 10 2012
6 Comments
Instructive

You don’t say!

Since I am currently on my way to a conference and facing the “goes without saying” obligation to network, I thought this would be an appropriate time to introduce one of the key skills I have cultivated as a shallow person. Wait, perhaps I should take a step back and admit that this one characteristic, which I have spent many an hour perfecting, has perhaps done more to cement my status as a shallow person than almost anything else I have done. I can confidently say that mastering this skill has served me well in a multitude of situations I have encountered over the years. I know you are wondering what in heaven’s name I am talking about so let me explain.

As I see it, no matter how hard we try, in everyone’s life there comes a time when it is necessary to engage with people we have no real interest in. Now I may be shallow but for the most part I like to appear to be a decent human being. That doesn’t always come easy so I have developed a mechanism by which I am able to appease both others and myself as I make my way through the maze of unavoidable interactions. Some of these are simple encounters; it’s summer and you’re out gardening and you know your neighbor is going to come over to talk about your current crop of dandelions and how you might try getting rid of them and you really have no intention of ever doing so. Others are more complicated; like when a person that you vaguely recognize walks up to you and starts talking about your kids, job and mother-in-law and you are pretty sure that given the depth of their knowledge you must know them but can’t recall how or why or, at this particular moment, even their name. And then there is the apex of all encounters, the conference, where there is more than a little expectation that you will meet, greet and not only have conversations but intellectual ones with people you have only known for moments and more than likely will never set eyes on again, and all you really want to do is sample the hor d’oeuvres and hightail it back to your hotel room.

So how does a person such as myself navigate through a world of social obligations without losing their identity? In the shallow vernacular we like to call our technique “feigning interest” and while I am sure it is not unique to our world I think it is fair for us to take credit for openly recognizing and naming this most useful of all skills. Yes it’s true, I have perfected this art and without further adieu I’d like to share these tricks of the trade with you.

Feigning Interest “how to’s”:

  1. It’s back to the mirror (remember Forgetting…it’s an art) to practice your “I’m excited to see you and make you think I want to learn more about you” smile.
  2. At the same time you’re going to need to acquire a complete set of verbal and nonverbal social cues. You might want to start with: “uh huh”, “yep”, “you don’t say!”, a cute little chuckle, and a knowing nod of the head.
  3. Those verbal cues work especially well when the interaction takes place on the telephone. Used right, you should be able to get oodles of work done with minimal interruptions.
  4. When faced with someone whose identity has eluded your memory you’re going to need a believable greeting . Try, “Long time, no see” or if you suspect you may have bumped into them more recently go with “So how’s it going?” even though you have no idea what “it” is.
  5. Prepare some generic questions that can be used in most every encounter. Be careful though as a wrong turn here may cause you to appear more interested than you actually are, resulting in a prolonged and completely meaningless conversation. You will never get that time back.
  6. If you have to network at a conference, always keep your eyes open for someone you vaguely know, gesture them over while mentioning how much they know about whatever it is you are talking about, enthusiastically introduce them to your new friend and then quickly excuse yourself leaving the two to carry on without you. Consider it a win-win.
  7. Always have an exit strategy in your back pocket. You can prepare some closing remarks in advance or feel free to use this tried and true favourite of mine, “This has been great and I’m really sorry I have to scadoodle. Let’s do lunch sometime”. Word of caution: Some people will take this to heart and actually try to call you for lunch. Unless you are a glutton for punishment you better have a contingency plan for that as well.

As with all things worth doing, this too will take some time to do well. My advice is to stick with it and it won’t be long before you too can enjoy the advantages of uninvested engagement.

Now I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that my dear friend Kev (remember Kev? The shallow guy I had lunch with for all those years) helped me to elucidate the aforementioned steps. This is the first time we have worked together on the blog and, as usual we laughed until we cried . And, of course, we talked a little:

Me: So Kev, looks like we did pretty good with this one.
Kev: Yep.
Me: Maybe we could do this again sometime.
Kev: Uh huh.
Me: You know now that we have actually worked together I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that while we are equally shallow I just might be the nicer one in this duo.
Kev: You don’t say!

Hmmmmmmm.

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Jun 29 2012
7 Comments
Informative, Instructive

Up in the Air

I travel a fair bit for both business and pleasure but as much as I like the “being there” I’m not quite as crazy about the “getting there”. There’s just something about being locked up for hours in a very large metal tube that is wholly dependent upon a multitude of computerized parts that I find disconcerting. It’s not that I really think space junk will fall from the heavens and hit us smack on the nose, it’s just that if it does it has occurred to me that I don’t know how to fly. And at 37,000 feet off the ground that’s not, as Martha likes to say, “a good thing”. Nonetheless, for much of my adult life I have ignored these rather inconvenient thoughts, pulled on my lucky jeans, said a few prayers and made my way to the airport. Oh yeah, and popped a little white pill.

You see for the past 20 years or so I have been reliant on “a little something to keep me calm” as I make my way across the big blue. Now I don’t really have a problem with altering my state of mind for this, and only this purpose. As a matter of fact, the first time I went to fill my newly acquired prescription at the pharmacy the conversation went something like this:

Pharmacist: So have you ever taken this medication before?
Me: No, I haven’t.
Pharmacist: Are you certain you need to take this?
Me: I’m only taking it to get on an airplane.
Pharmacist: Oh! That’s different! We all take it to get on an airplane. Have a good trip.

I’m not sure that made me feel a whole lot better but I took some solace in knowing I was not alone in my plight. And since that day, although things usually go well in the air, they sometimes fall apart at the far side as, depending on the length of the trip there are times when I am not quite my rational self when we land. And that’s when the problems start. Like the time I had to pick up a rental car in Vancouver and when told I had been allocated an Impala, which in retrospect I know to be a fine car, I leaned over the counter, looked the poor unsuspecting clerk in the eye and without even the hint of a smile said “nice try my man, but I like small foreign cars”. Or while unexpectedly grounded in Denver with nothing much to do but shop, I came to the rather expensive, as it turns out, conclusion that my next cup of coffee would taste much better in a $20.00 Ferrari mug and the cat would look smashing in a Harley-Davidson vest.

So a few months ago I made the rather courageous decision to fly “au naturel” without the assistance of any synthetic aides. Surely I thought, there are skills I have honed as a shallow person that could help me deal with this situation. And that’s when it came to me. Maybe this is the time to exploit my propensity for small talk, my uncanny ability to carry on a conversation about essentially everything and nothing because honestly, that’s what shallow people do most of the time. Want to talk about your kids? I’ve got some too. Interested in politics? How about that Obama! Going to university? I work at one. Don’t like flying? Boy, do I know how you feel!

And so it was that on my first foray into substance-free travel I was fortunate enough to sit beside a woman who not only had children attending university out of town (mine too, and can that ever get expensive!) in Ontario (hey, I used to live there) but was also employed by the same institution as I am (let’s see, who do you know?). And it worked. Four hours later as we touched down at our destination I realized that not once had I thought about the possibility that a bolt could come loose on the left wing causing it to fall off in mid-air. Of course there is no way of knowing who you’re going to get so you have to be flexible and roll with the punches. And since you may have to be the one that initiates the conversation take my advice and have a quick peek at Yahoo News just before you board.

Yes I know some people use their travel time to do a little work, lose themselves in a good book or just catch up on some well-deserved sleep. But the next time you find yourself sitting in the seat next to a “Chatty Cathy”, be kind. Because although they may not be as interested in you as they appear to be, you just might be their “little white pill”.

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Jun 25 2012
10 Comments
Informative

Give Me an “A”!

Letters photo credit:mwookie, stock.xchngI had a feeling from the get-go that this blog could get me in trouble and, as luck would have it, I’m afraid that it has. Not only are some of my readers questioning my ability to remain shallow while being as introspective as I have been, I find myself wondering whether I have made a slight move to the dark side, as I like to call it. So I’ve been thinking that now might be a good time to take stock of the ways that I continue to live shallowly. Hopefully this will remove any shadows of doubt.

Since I have been steeped in academe for the past 20 years or so I decided the best way to approach this task was to identify key outcomes, set up some criteria by which to measure performance and finally, assign a mark to each. So here I go and I’m keeping my fingers crossed I get a passing grade.

TV: I watch a fair bit of TV which in and of itself may not add up to much since, as we all know there are plenty of PBS documentaries, Discovery Channel educational programs and political debates on the schedule these days. And if I was watching those I’d be concerned, but I’m not. Nope, and as much as it pains me to say this out loud, over the past few years I have learned a) how to lose 200 pounds in less than a year which btw, I sincerely hope I never have to do; b) how to outwit, outplay, and outlast which could come in handy should I ever find myself on a deserted island somewhere in the South Pacific with 17 strangers and; (perhaps least helpful and most inane) c) how to find the perfect mate by “getting to know” and systematically vetting 25 bachelors or bachelorettes over a period of 10 weeks all the while looking great for the TV cameras. (Do they really sleep with 4 different people in 4 nights just to be “sure”?) At first blush it looks like I could be in line for full marks on this one but since I have to be entirely honest to make this work, I must include on my list Jeopardy, “the thinking person’s game show” and Mad Men which, even though I watch primarily because Peggy and I have, or in my case “had” surprisingly similar taste in clothes, is likely the most critically acclaimed show currently on the air. A .5 deduction for each seems fair, don’t you think?

Grade: 4/5

Facebook: I’m on it which imho is worth about 3 points but I’m pretty sure I can score more than that in this category. My primary reason for going on FB was to stay connected with my nephew in Toronto which I know sounds like a contender for a significant deduction, but before you judge, I did so by becoming his neighbor in Farmville. After about 6 weeks he tired of the game and stopped playing and had I too called it quits at that time I could be underwater on this one. Fortunately, I stayed the course and continued to play for the next two and a half years, during which time I managed to recruit a number of my highly educated and sophisticated friends and colleagues. To solidify my rating I will now disclose that a significant number of my FB “friends” are actually FV neighbors who I don’t know but keep in the hopes that they will read this blog. Please don’t “unfriend” me now.

Grade: 4.5/5

The Treadmill: This one could get me in real trouble if I was actually going on the treadmill for the multitude of health benefits known to be associated with this type of activity. No doubt a woman of my age should not only be thinking about reaping the cardio advantages of a 5km walk but also of the potential gain in bone density that is known to be the result of vigorous exercise. However, since the sole purpose of my travaille six nights each week (I do go out once in a while) is to lose weight I think I’m safe. Just in case there are still some doubts, we’re not talking life saving, “you’re on the brink of serious health problems if you don’t slim down” kind of weight loss. No, this quest is to lose the one, maybe two pounds I need to get back into those designer “boyfriend” jeans I bought on a “skinny day” in California last year (of course everyone looks slightly more attractive in California…I think it has something to do with the mirrors). And really, while I can still squeeze into them in my present condition, I am simply trying to avoid turning into an uncharacteristic shrew (trust me, the world would be a better place if we all wore slightly looser jeans) while wearing them on the six minute drive from my home to my favourite Starbucks. Since in spite of my singular intention I will probably still accrue the aforementioned health benefits, I’ll concede to a .5 deduction here.

Grade: 4.5/5

The Blog: My initial thought is that I get full points here. I know there have been some inconsistencies and I have stuck with the blog for longer than I ever imagined I would. But let’s face it, surely anyone who spends this much time and effort convincing other people of how shallow they are deserves full credit for their efforts. I’m going with my gut on this one.

Grade: 5/5

So there you have it. I’ve scored 18/20 or 90% on this objective assessment. Yes, there’s room for improvement but there always is. For now I think I’m going to be just fine.

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Jun 21 2012
6 Comments
Sad

Shallow in a sad world

I write this post while thinking about my dear friends who have recently suffered the loss of a parent. Last week I drove Kevin and Randy to the airport so they could attend Kevin’s Father’s funeral and the other morning I picked them up as they made their way to the funeral of Randy’s Mother. It’s a straight road to the airport with surprisingly little traffic during what would be rush hour in most cities of this size. I like being alone in the car, singing along to my favourite artists, watching the all too familiar landmarks whisk by, cursing just a little as I find myself behind a farmer who thinks it’s ok to use this high speed highway to move his tractor from one corner of his property to another. But on this drive I find myself thinking about the blog, my lighthearted treatise about all things shallow, and I wonder how it is that I can possibly continue amongst all of this sadness. How can I write about being shallow when so many people around me are hurting? I’m not sure I know how to be shallow in a sad world.

There’s not much time at the airport for niceties as we load bags into the car before the parking monitor notices I am stopped in the middle of the lane, but as the door closes and we exchange our signature “Hey Friend” greeting I am comforted in knowing that everything seems to be the way it should be. I’m taking my two friends home. There’s no beating around the bush, no polite banter. In this car we get right to the point.

“How”, I ask, “do you expect me to write the shallow blog amid so much sadness?”
They both laugh and without any hesitation say, “Guess you’ll just have to write about being shallow and sad.”
“Sure, I can do that…Sure”.

Well, I’ve thought about this for a couple of days and have finally come to the conclusion that it’s ok for shallow people to be sad sometimes. The loss of a parent is very sad. All of us who have been there know this to be true. My Father passed away more than 21 years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, what he might say, advice he might give. There is no doubt that he lives forever in my heart. And that’s the way it should be. As sad as it may be there is an order to life and this is it. At least we hope it is because anything else would be unbearable. We grieve and slowly but surely we return to the normality of our daily lives. We are living proof that life does go on.

And so today it’s too hard to be lighthearted. Today I am sad for my friends who have lost their parents. But before too long I’ll get back to writing the shallow blog in the manner to which you and I have become accustomed. I’m ok with that and I hope you are too.

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